http://torontomama.wordpress.com

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Proud Canuck Mama is not doing it for me.

Most of you know that I also have another blog with a great name. Unfortunately too many family/friends/neighbours/coworkers read that one. So I can’t write freely and honestly.

Let me know if you can think of a good name. Once I come up with something I really like, I plan on getting my own domain…

Thank you!!

Dating sucks! Especially online dating.

I have been in contact with M for a while now and we finally met today. I knew right away that it wasn’t going to work for me. So I had to sit through coffee and then lunch forcing myself to talk and at least try to make the best of what was clearly going to be the first and last date with this person.

I am exhausted from it.

Driving home I felt more fed up than depressed. I am tired of wasting my time with guys I am meeting online. It’s true what others have said about online dating. What you write on your profile has nothing to do with who you truly are as a person. I am not even talking about online daters who lie through their teeth about everything from their age to their relationship status and their job. No, I’m talking about chemistry and how it’s impossible to reproduce it online.

So I am done.

If I am meant to meet someone, it will have to be in real person.

It’s about time I start focusing on other aspects of my life. Everyone says that the right person comes along when you least expect it. And it’s usually when you are doing something you are passionate about.

So that’s that.

And I don’t even feel nostalgic about my life with TheEx, imagine that!

Day Three has been very productive methinks.

I saw two students making out and being goofy in the hallway at school. I thought of when TheEx and I used to go for long walks downtown and we would act goofy like that. I felt like there was a hole in my soul. I wanted to call TheEx and remind him of that time. I resisted of course.

Then, something made me think of one of the road trips we took together. We drove to Houston to go visit a friend of his down there. And we had the best time in the car. Those were great times. It’s so sad how people get disconnected with time.

Anyhow, except for a couple of weak moments, I felt pretty strong today. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m excited about finally meeting M tomorrow. We’ve been in contact for a while and we finally decided to meet and go for lunch to see if we hit it off.

I’ve been on a few dates recently, and I realize that it’s not easy to find someone who feels right. I usually know within the first fifteen minutes whether there is a connection.

M has a goofy sense of humor, at least on email. That is my number one requirement. Witty goofiness.

Something changed in me the other day though. As TheEx and I argued (because he was cancelling his visitation, yet again!), I realized I had to let go of the marriage because my not letting go was interfering with our ability to co-parent. TheEx has some issues too, don’t get me wrong. But I know that I can lead by example. My monkey deserves a happy and stable environment.

So this is day two of my resolution to put an end to the roller coaster ride and make co-parenting my number one priority when it comes to TheEx.

Juggling work and a toddler as a single parent is no easy task. But I’m doing fine.

Dealing with TheEx is emotionally draining. I don’t like the way I react to him still.

I was doing fine until he started opening up to me again. And I allowed myself to go there. It’s been a wild rollercoaster ride since.

Have made resolution with self.

I WILL:

1) Stop contacting TheEx unless it’s for business.

2) Be pleasant but cold and collected when he comes over to visit his daughter.

3) Try to go to yoga class at least on one of the evenings he’s here.

4) Try to spend as little time as possible with him.

I will try this for thirty days and see how I feel at the end.

I am not doing well.

And I need therapy.

From my bloggy friends.

I went back to work last week and I’m a mess. A complete and utter mess.

See, the last time I was at my workplace, my life was very different. Happily married, expecting my first baby. About to go on maternity leave.

As I returned to that environment, all those memories came rushing back. And the juxtaposition of old life and new life is too much to handle at times.

I thought I was doing OK, but clearly, I’m not.

I know it will pass, like everything else. But I need an outlet and I had to resurrect the blog. Under a new name. A bit more anonymous than before. I wasn’t comfortable with all that private information being out there. And the six degrees of separation thing just spooks me.

So much to write about.

I met a new man. Taking it very slowly.

More on that soon…

I can’t write unless I’m seriously inspired. And lately it seems that inspiration has been coming in occasional bursts.

Today was one of those days. One of those days when the universe was trying to tell me something. As a matter of fact, the universe had to smack me in the head with its message because I’ve been too distracted and absent lately. With TheEx sending me all kinds of mixed messages again, it’s been hard to stay focused. But I won’t go into the fact that we miss each other like crazy and are playing with fire right now that.

*Cough*

Today wasn’t exactly a spring day here in Toronto, but it certainly felt like it. This mama felt a definite spring buzz and inhaled every bit of it. 

As I stopped at my favourite coffee shop to grab a latte, two cute police officers greeted me with a smile and some small talk.  Sorry, gotta love hot men in uniforms.

Then when I reached my first destination, I flirted away with a very young and yummy clerk.

Second destination: I bumped into an ex-colleague. We used to be really good friends but we lost touch when I transferred to a different location. He’s super cute and he makes me laugh. Hmmm…

While driving, I grabbed a random CD from my glove compartment. These are the first three songs on the compilation:

I get it, universe. I get the message.

I need to stop waiting for something to change. It’s time to start living now before it’s too late.

As I was catching up on some blogs tonight, I found out that a single parent blogger is not having the best luck with his fight with melanoma. Jim, aka DepotDad, needs all the support and the good vibes he can get. Many thanks to T who wrote about it in her blog. 

Life is short people.

Don’t forget to live.

One of my fellow bloggers T just wrote about some music that speaks to her soul.  So I have decided to write about some of the songs that remind me of my life and breakup with TheEx.

OK, not that one. It just seemed perfect as an intro to my list.

So I’m listening to the radio the other day, and what do I hear?

I like Lionel Richie just like anyone else, but never before had this song’s lyrics touched me this much.

Then I hear David Cook’s new single, and sure enough, it’s about a breakup.

Of course there’s Kelly Clarkson’s new single:

Leona Lewis, winner of X factor, the British equivalent of American Idol, recently released this single:

But this is the one that kills whenever I hear it. It’s by a bandthat TheEx and I have gone to see live many times. In fact, we met because of this band. And I still believe this song is about us. About that ineffable connection that you are so fucking lucky to experience even once in your lifetime (I apologize for the low quality, but that’s all I could find).

And this is one that TheEx said reminded him of a very beautiful moment we shared.

I’m in trouble people. It seems that the more time passes, the more I miss him. Is this part of the grieving process? Or is it because I haven’t been able to get closure from him?

I need serious professional help. Sigh.

Let me explain.

I posted a question on Facebook the other day. (those of you who are on my friends list know what I’m talking about here) I needed people’s opinion on something I’m about to purchase and what better way than to ask your friends on Facebook? So my super hot awesome kisser ex-boyfriend from way, way back is one of the people who replied to my question. It would appear that he’s very knowledgeable about the subject, among other things. *Cough*

TheEx was always a bit jealous of this guy because, ahem, did I mention he’s really hot? He’s a mix between Enrique Iglesias and Javier Bardem.  And he is the hottest kisser. Needless to say, we have amazing chemistry. But our relationship was just sexual. But so intense.  This was before I met TheEx. However, he contacted me years ago when I was with TheEx, and basically wanted to start seeing me again. And TheEx knows this.

Soooo, to make a very long story short, TheEx called me last night as soon as he saw the post on my Facebook wall. He couldn’t even put a sentence together he was such an emotional mess. I could have easily told him to get lost because he has no right asking me those questions. Unfortunately, it’s not in my nature to be mean and spiteful. And I’m clearly still in love with TheEx  (I didn’t tell him that) and I also believe that people have to be treated with respect, especially when they are extremely vulnerable.

We talked a bit. He said he misses me. And boy, did he say so much more than that.

It was very hard for me not to let my guard down. Unbelievably hard people. My head is still spinning from some of the things he said. I don’t feel right divulging that kind of information because it’s very private and very intimate stuff between the two of us.

I am trying not to let my emotions go wild with this. We are still separated. Nothing has changed. My friends reminded me a few times today. It’s good to have people around you that are not afraid to tell you the truth. I appreciate that.

I have come a long way since TheEx left. I feel like my old self again. I have learned a lot about my weaknesses and my strengths. I am working on accepting my emotions and not reacting to them.

And I am also starting to figure out what it is that really matters in a relationship. What it is that I want in a guy. To quote a fellow blogger of mine, I need a man who makes me horny and makes me laugh. And TheEx was that man. Is that man.

I just hope he comes to his senses soon.

Canadian Bald Guy just started dating someone, but for some unknown reason *cough* he will not share the details with his fellow bloggers.

This mama, on the other hand, isn’t feeling it. The chemistry. The click. Nope. Nada. Zilch.

I’m talking about NiceSingleDad. We went out again. This time we did coffee, a walk, and dinner.

I should rewind a bit. When he called to arrange for this second meeting, he said that he really didn’t like the place where I met him the first time. It wasn’t his “crowd.” WTF?! It was a quiet neighbourhood bar/restaurant.  And I even told him how much I liked it. Why would you say something like that to someone you’re interested in?

Lost major points right there.

Anyhow, it didn’t matter after all. 

Sure, we had some decent conversation (although he talked a bit too much if you ask me). We shared a pleasant dinner. But the whole time, I knew it. I am absolutely not attracted at all to this man. There’s nothing wrong with the way he looks. It’s not that. I just don’t feel it in my gut. That “wanna jump his bones right here right now” feeling.  It’s not there.

On the way home, I was reflecting on this while I listened to her album:

See, I haven’t dated in so long that I don’t even know what I want anymore. Sure, the physical attraction has to be there. And for me, a guy’s hands are important. They have to be masculine and strong. More importantly, a man has to be able to make me laugh. I mean, really laugh. And that is one of the reasons why I miss TheEx so much. He constantly made me laugh. Hysterically. Sometimes all I had to do was look at him and I knew what kind of joke was going through his silly mind and I would crack up. Just like that. 

And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how I am still so not over TheEx. After all this, I am still smitten by this man with whom I shared so much of my life.

What I realized by the end of my drive home is that this dating thing is good for me because it’s forcing some issues to come to the surface. It’s pushing me to answer some very important questions. And it’s making it very clear to me that I can lie to myself all I want about my feelings, but they ain’t going anywhere soon.

My friend asked me tonight: if TheEx were to ask me to get back together, would I go for it?

Oh man, without the blink of an eye.